


Manchild

by copperbadge



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Gen, Humor, Two great tastes, Violence, taste great together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-05-31
Updated: 2008-05-31
Packaged: 2017-12-16 19:19:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/865645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/copperbadge/pseuds/copperbadge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"So we made a new rule: if you shoot the Captain you buy dinner."</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Manchild

**Author's Note:**

> This is also **[a podfic](http://audiofic.jinjurly.com/manchild)** by DreamWaffles!

"Mrrfn," Ianto said. "That was his name, I believe."

"Mrrfn?" Gwen asked, adding sauce to her rice. "How's that spelled?"

"Em double arr eff enn," Ianto said, pretending not to notice when Jack stole a clump of noodles from his plate. "I think we finally decided he came from a race that didn't construct words the same way we did."

"So this Mrrfn tied up Tosh and Owen," Jack said. 

"To an antique," Ianto added.

"To a fake antique," Jack corrected. "Replica of a priceless Ataxian riverglass ornamental...thing."

"Why was he on Earth in the first place?" Gwen asked, as the waiter brought another bottle of sake.

"He was using it as an off-market smuggling base," Tosh said. "Tidy little scam, really. Selling offworld on Earth's okay because there aren't any tariffs since it's all black market."

"Well, he _thought_ it was okay," Owen said.

"I miss the best stuff when I go on holiday," Gwen sighed.

"Well, you'll only go on one honeymoon. Presumably," Ianto said. 

"Oh now, wait for it, it's very James Bond," Jack continued. "Owen and Tosh are tied up, so I go barreling down the corridor after him, gun drawn."

"I'm behind him, but there's all this smoke," Ianto added.

"And out of nowhere suddenly this guy pops up with a knife and he's got a gun in my back and a knife to my throat and then _Ianto decides to get cocky_ ," Jack said.

"It wasn't cocky," Ianto answered, wiping his mouth before sipping his drink. "Cocky would be running down a narrow hall to a dead end and expecting not to get taken hostage."

"So there's me, knife here, gun in my back, and there's Ianto, who can't get a clean shot and anyway is being yelled at to put the gun down."

"I believe his precise words were, _Put the gun down, I'm not kidding, I'll do your Captain_ ," Ianto said. "Droll, I thought."

"What did he call you?" Jack asked, eyes alight.

"I don't recall."

"Oh that's right. _Insolent manchild_ ," Jack crowed. Gwen tried not to giggle. "Ianto's got his gun out and this alien smuggler is shouting about doing his boss, and Ianto just says to me, _Jack? Is it all right?_ " Jack paused to swallow his food. "And I say, _it's okay, I don't mind_ , and Mrrfn says, _Oh, isn't that sweet. Saying goodbye?_ and Ianto says..." Jack gestures with his chopsticks for Ianto to finish the story.

" _No, asking permission_ ," Ianto said, a wide and cheerful smile on his face. Owen and Tosh cracked up laughing.

"And then he _shoots me_ , in the _head_ ," Jack laughed. "Right through, so that it hits Mrrfn in the head too, which probably wouldn't have killed him except that the head is where that species keeps their cardiovascular organ."

"Blood everywhere," Ianto said. "I had to mop it up after I'd done untying Owen and Tosh."

"Asking permission," Jack muttered, still grinning.

"It's only polite," Ianto said. 

"So we made a new rule: if you shoot the Captain you buy dinner," Owen said. "Seemed fair."

"And if you don't ask first, you pay for drinks as well," Jack said. "And no pasty shops on the corner, it has to be a real restaurant."

"Which is why this is my treat," Ianto said.

"Manchild," Owen said, and he and Tosh both dissolved into snickers again.


End file.
